Every so often I abandon myself – ok – sounds weird – but I’m talking about what happens when I ignore core elements, those things that are essential to who I am.
When I abandon art and writing projects that made my heart beat faster when I conceived of them, my heart slows . . . and I start hurting. Everything looks a little darker.
So why do I abandon my projects in the first place? Sometimes working on them is painful as well. That fast beating heart? It’s full of hope and fear. Even when I tell myself it doesn’t matter who does or doesn’t see it, I still feel exposed. Sometimes it hurts less to walk away – but eventually it begins to hurt more not to heed the call to create. And so I begin again.
Sometimes I thrash around. Sometimes I remain still. Both states are moments of resistance and longing. Over time the light comes back, the poem gets written, the image in my head rendered onto paper, wood or metal.
Out of my struggle came this piece. It started as plaster on wood panel with circles stamped into it. I experimented with acrylic inks on the plaster and set it aside. Later I saw the figure and drew the outline. The face changed a few times until I plastered over it and began again. I pushed past my critic self and carved words into the plaster to remind me of what could be lost if I let myself stay overwhelmed.
8 x 8 inches – mixed media on panel